'My soul was taken out of me, there was nothing left': Amelia Kerr opens up on lowest phase of life
New Delhi, Jan 28 : New Zealand and Mumbai Indians all-rounder Amelia Kerr opened up on her struggles to overcome depression and anxiety, saying that she was at her ‘lowest’ in life in 2020 but credited her family and teammates for helping her recover from the ‘dark phase.’
Amelia, now one of the most recognisable figures in women’s cricket, first captured global attention as a teenage prodigy. She made her international debut at 16 and, a year later, produced one of the sport’s most astonishing performances, a record-breaking 232 in a one-day international, the highest individual score in women’s cricket, complemented by a five-wicket haul in the same match.
While she received massive plaudits post-New Zealand’s World Cup victory and her two Women’s Premier League (WPL) titles, her most defining story is actually rooted in the years between these major milestones.
“Cricket never felt hard. I mean, cricket is a hard game and there is failure, but for me cricket was always my happy place,” said Amelia in a chat with the Mumbai Indians.
Raised in a family steeped in the game, with her grandfather, parents and elder sister all former professional cricketers, Amelia appeared destined for greatness. By 2020, just four years into her international career, she was widely tipped as the future of world cricket. Behind the scenes, however, her journey was becoming increasingly difficult.
“Cricket was such a safe place and a happy place for her. But between the moments of playing games and training, she did have a lot of moments of sadness,” said her sister and White Ferns teammate Jess Kerr.
That struggle came to a head in 2020, when Amelia was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, a period she now describes as the darkest of her life.
"In 2020, I guess I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. The weight just became unbearable and too much. I wasn’t who I was. It was like my soul was taken out of me and there was nothing left to me. Yeah, it was no doubt the absolute lowest I’ve ever been in life.
"The real turning point was when I got sent home from a training camp with New Zealand due to safety reasons. I didn’t see my dad cry very much growing up, so to see him break down like that absolutely shattered me. I felt as though I was sitting in a room watching my own funeral," Amelia said.
During that period, Amelia leaned heavily on her family and gradually learnt the importance of speaking openly and building a support network within the team. Senior players played a crucial role in helping her navigate the path back.
“I think initially she held back how she was feeling with the senior players. But when she had one really bad incident, I think she learnt extremely quickly that that wasn’t the right way to deal with it,” said New Zealand captain and Amelia's long-time idol Suzie Bates.
The all-rounder credits that willingness to seek help as a defining moment in her recovery.
“It actually takes a lot of work and you need a good support network around you, but ultimately, you have to really help yourself. To be willing to do that at my lowest is something I am proud of,” she said.
Through the process, cricket once again became her anchor, not as a source of pressure, but as a place of comfort and healing.
“At a time when things were pretty tough for me, cricket was my safe space. Cricket was what I always wanted to be back for. It was a motivator. Yeah, there was fear. But I didn’t want to let that fear stop me. I think during that time, it was massive for me to be able to get myself back on the field. Probably after that period, the bad days started becoming less,” Amelia said.
Today, Amelia is not only a multiple title winner but also a role model for young players around the world, admired as much for her openness as her achievements. Her connection with Mumbai Indians supporters, in particular, reflects that bond.
“When people here call me Mumbai-Kerr, it feels less like a nickname and more like a connection. Like being welcomed into something inclusive. I’ve learnt that loving cricket doesn’t mean losing yourself to it. It means growing alongside it, letting it challenge you.
“Our journey doesn’t have to look perfect to be meaningful. You just have to keep finding your way back to what feels true,” she mentioned.
In sharing her story, Amelia has expanded the meaning of success in cricket, proving that resilience, honesty and self-belief can matter just as much as any record or medal.
Amelia, now one of the most recognisable figures in women’s cricket, first captured global attention as a teenage prodigy. She made her international debut at 16 and, a year later, produced one of the sport’s most astonishing performances, a record-breaking 232 in a one-day international, the highest individual score in women’s cricket, complemented by a five-wicket haul in the same match.
While she received massive plaudits post-New Zealand’s World Cup victory and her two Women’s Premier League (WPL) titles, her most defining story is actually rooted in the years between these major milestones.
“Cricket never felt hard. I mean, cricket is a hard game and there is failure, but for me cricket was always my happy place,” said Amelia in a chat with the Mumbai Indians.
Raised in a family steeped in the game, with her grandfather, parents and elder sister all former professional cricketers, Amelia appeared destined for greatness. By 2020, just four years into her international career, she was widely tipped as the future of world cricket. Behind the scenes, however, her journey was becoming increasingly difficult.
“Cricket was such a safe place and a happy place for her. But between the moments of playing games and training, she did have a lot of moments of sadness,” said her sister and White Ferns teammate Jess Kerr.
That struggle came to a head in 2020, when Amelia was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, a period she now describes as the darkest of her life.
"In 2020, I guess I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. The weight just became unbearable and too much. I wasn’t who I was. It was like my soul was taken out of me and there was nothing left to me. Yeah, it was no doubt the absolute lowest I’ve ever been in life.
"The real turning point was when I got sent home from a training camp with New Zealand due to safety reasons. I didn’t see my dad cry very much growing up, so to see him break down like that absolutely shattered me. I felt as though I was sitting in a room watching my own funeral," Amelia said.
During that period, Amelia leaned heavily on her family and gradually learnt the importance of speaking openly and building a support network within the team. Senior players played a crucial role in helping her navigate the path back.
“I think initially she held back how she was feeling with the senior players. But when she had one really bad incident, I think she learnt extremely quickly that that wasn’t the right way to deal with it,” said New Zealand captain and Amelia's long-time idol Suzie Bates.
The all-rounder credits that willingness to seek help as a defining moment in her recovery.
“It actually takes a lot of work and you need a good support network around you, but ultimately, you have to really help yourself. To be willing to do that at my lowest is something I am proud of,” she said.
Through the process, cricket once again became her anchor, not as a source of pressure, but as a place of comfort and healing.
“At a time when things were pretty tough for me, cricket was my safe space. Cricket was what I always wanted to be back for. It was a motivator. Yeah, there was fear. But I didn’t want to let that fear stop me. I think during that time, it was massive for me to be able to get myself back on the field. Probably after that period, the bad days started becoming less,” Amelia said.
Today, Amelia is not only a multiple title winner but also a role model for young players around the world, admired as much for her openness as her achievements. Her connection with Mumbai Indians supporters, in particular, reflects that bond.
“When people here call me Mumbai-Kerr, it feels less like a nickname and more like a connection. Like being welcomed into something inclusive. I’ve learnt that loving cricket doesn’t mean losing yourself to it. It means growing alongside it, letting it challenge you.
“Our journey doesn’t have to look perfect to be meaningful. You just have to keep finding your way back to what feels true,” she mentioned.
In sharing her story, Amelia has expanded the meaning of success in cricket, proving that resilience, honesty and self-belief can matter just as much as any record or medal.